Two peanuts were walking down a spooky road at night... One was assaulted

Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing

A mom dad and baby tomato are walking down the street and the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup

What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common? Their middle name

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? They all have phones

Why don't cannibals eat comedians? Because they taste funny

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says "why the long face?"

Two men walk into a bar. You would think the second one would of ducked

What does mozart do now that he is dead? He decomposes.....

Why do they put bells on cows? Because their horns don't work!

Did you hear about the cannibal who came home late for dinner and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?

There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.(my fav!)

What is the last thing that goes through a bug's mind as it hits a windshield? His butt

teacher: whats a polygon?
me: a missing parrot.

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change

How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

Did you know that five out of three people have trouble with fractions?

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? Robin, get in the car

Have you ever seen an elf fly? It's at the top of elf pants.

What's long, yellow and fruity? An apple in disguise.

Why did the elephant paint his toenails different colors? So he could hide in the M&M dish! Have you ever seen an elephant in the M&M dish? See it works.

Why does E.T. have such big eyes? Beause he saw his phone bill.

What's bright yellow and can't swim? A bulldozer.

Ok, the opposite of PRO is CON, right? So what's the opposite of progress? CONgress.

What time did the Chinese man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.